Judy Zhang
Writer '17
More like, what isn’t cluttering up my life. Old clothes, empty mechanical pencils, gum wrappers, past scantrons, crumpled assignments. Stress. Anxiety. Fear. I’m not sure whether it is a curse or a virtue, but I have a tendency to hoard. From material items to mental hindrances, my life - in short - is a mess.
Material-wise, I keep nearly everything with the mindset that maybe I’ll need it later or maybe it’ll be useful in my future artworks. Finding an empty corner in my room or house, I store away the penguin-filled wrapping paper of a past gift or the boxes of colorful pebbles collected from a tropical vacation or the dried-up chips of acrylic paint from my palette. I promise myself that I’ll use these random mementos soon, but that promise always remains unfulfilled. In a day’s time, those items are forgotten and left to collect dust, serving to increase my physical clutter. Once in a blue moon, I am overcome with a sudden urge to purge my clutter, going on a day-long cleaning spree that ends with bags of useless trash. But, the neat and organized aftermath of these episodes last three days tops, as my hoarding tendencies resume. At this rate, I’m going to appear on the TV show Hoarders in about five years.
My physical clutter seems bad, but it is incomparable to my mental clutter. My tendency to keep everything includes memories, doubts, and fears. I seem to remember every embarrassing moment of my life, mulling over them constantly. Always on a replay loop, these memories drastically increase my stress level. I reflect on them and start to pick out previously unnoticed, and probably inconsequential, things. For instance, replaying an uncomfortable conversation with a friend, I begin to notice the millisecond of a pause before my friend’s response after I had said something odd. This notice instantly makes me think Oh god, she’s judging me. This habit of mine drives me insane sometimes with irrational worries, but it’s just who I am. Actually, I blame my star sign because apparently those who are Pisces remember everything, from the good to the bad.
Furthermore, in accordance to my pisces sign again, I am horribly indecisive. Something as simple as getting coffee becomes a headache-inducing ordeal. My mind races through the what-ifs, labelling each one as legitimate. What if it spills? What if I can’t sleep at night because of the coffee? What if it hurts my tummy? When something this simple creates a significant amount of stress, it is a wonder that I am able to stay sane when making life-changing decisions, such as college, career, and - of course - a prom date. These irrational wonderings further clutter up my mind, oftentimes holding me back from amazing opportunities.
With these doubts come fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failing. Fear of humiliation. When an opportunity arises, I am often stuck in my inner turmoil, and thus miss out on an exceptional experience. I chide myself on these illogical thoughts, and slowly I’m working on just going with the flow. When a friend asks if I want to go watch a movie, I want to say decidedly, “sure,” rather than contemplating if it’s too cold, if I have time, if I want to change out of my pajamas. I want to live in the now.
While thinking before doing is beneficial, I place too much value on the thinking part rather than the doing. Overthinking has become my downfall and has created unnecessary masses of clutter in my life. Sometimes I can clean up the clutter or navigate around it. Other times, I can be stuck behind it or buried within. As I prepare to start afresh in college, I need to do a cleansing purge in order to progress. Then again, it could just be the flaws of my star sign.
Writer '17
More like, what isn’t cluttering up my life. Old clothes, empty mechanical pencils, gum wrappers, past scantrons, crumpled assignments. Stress. Anxiety. Fear. I’m not sure whether it is a curse or a virtue, but I have a tendency to hoard. From material items to mental hindrances, my life - in short - is a mess.
Material-wise, I keep nearly everything with the mindset that maybe I’ll need it later or maybe it’ll be useful in my future artworks. Finding an empty corner in my room or house, I store away the penguin-filled wrapping paper of a past gift or the boxes of colorful pebbles collected from a tropical vacation or the dried-up chips of acrylic paint from my palette. I promise myself that I’ll use these random mementos soon, but that promise always remains unfulfilled. In a day’s time, those items are forgotten and left to collect dust, serving to increase my physical clutter. Once in a blue moon, I am overcome with a sudden urge to purge my clutter, going on a day-long cleaning spree that ends with bags of useless trash. But, the neat and organized aftermath of these episodes last three days tops, as my hoarding tendencies resume. At this rate, I’m going to appear on the TV show Hoarders in about five years.
My physical clutter seems bad, but it is incomparable to my mental clutter. My tendency to keep everything includes memories, doubts, and fears. I seem to remember every embarrassing moment of my life, mulling over them constantly. Always on a replay loop, these memories drastically increase my stress level. I reflect on them and start to pick out previously unnoticed, and probably inconsequential, things. For instance, replaying an uncomfortable conversation with a friend, I begin to notice the millisecond of a pause before my friend’s response after I had said something odd. This notice instantly makes me think Oh god, she’s judging me. This habit of mine drives me insane sometimes with irrational worries, but it’s just who I am. Actually, I blame my star sign because apparently those who are Pisces remember everything, from the good to the bad.
Furthermore, in accordance to my pisces sign again, I am horribly indecisive. Something as simple as getting coffee becomes a headache-inducing ordeal. My mind races through the what-ifs, labelling each one as legitimate. What if it spills? What if I can’t sleep at night because of the coffee? What if it hurts my tummy? When something this simple creates a significant amount of stress, it is a wonder that I am able to stay sane when making life-changing decisions, such as college, career, and - of course - a prom date. These irrational wonderings further clutter up my mind, oftentimes holding me back from amazing opportunities.
With these doubts come fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failing. Fear of humiliation. When an opportunity arises, I am often stuck in my inner turmoil, and thus miss out on an exceptional experience. I chide myself on these illogical thoughts, and slowly I’m working on just going with the flow. When a friend asks if I want to go watch a movie, I want to say decidedly, “sure,” rather than contemplating if it’s too cold, if I have time, if I want to change out of my pajamas. I want to live in the now.
While thinking before doing is beneficial, I place too much value on the thinking part rather than the doing. Overthinking has become my downfall and has created unnecessary masses of clutter in my life. Sometimes I can clean up the clutter or navigate around it. Other times, I can be stuck behind it or buried within. As I prepare to start afresh in college, I need to do a cleansing purge in order to progress. Then again, it could just be the flaws of my star sign.