Jason Beeferman
Columnist '19
Breaking news from Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters: Secretary Clinton has survived yet another day. Doctors and supporters around the world were thrilled to announce that Hillary Rodham Clinton is still alive, and still breathing, though heavily. CNN spoke exclusively with Hillary's head doctor. Doctor Hugh Mongus was thrilled to announce Hilary is alive, still! "She's proof of the capabilities of today's modern medicine!". Doctor Mongus said. We spoke with one Clinton supporter from the Great Neck area who was thrilled to speak with us. The supporter told Online Guide-Post, "It's just a miracle that she was able to see another day given her current health situation and old age. As soon as I got the news that she was still alive this morning, I ran to wake the kids and tell them of the exciting news. We laughed, and cried. I even made them their special breakfast. It's truly amazing that Hillary is still alive".
In other news, Donald Trump has now shifted his initial view of China and Global Warming. After once stating in a 2012 tweet that "Global Warming is a hoax invented by and for the Chinese", he has now suddenly changed his rhetoric to say, "The Chinese is a hoax invented by Global Warming". When asked if this statement then means that Trump was initially wrong in his 2012 tweet Trump said, "Me? Wrong? You've gotta be kidding. Believe me, I have a brain, okay?" He also stated that his brain is "tremendous" and "huge". When asked of his plan as to how he will combat Global Warming, Trump stated that he couldn't say because he did not want to give away anything to the enemy. However, he did say that he does "know more than the generals do".
In this election year, the choice of candidates from the two parties can be mind boggling. Thus, many voters have now decided to vote for third party candidates, such as Jill Stein from the Green Party or Gary Johnson from the Libertarian Party. Although many Republicans and Democrats have said that voting for a third party candidate is practically a vote for the adversary, after research and calculations by the Pew Research Center, it has now been concluded that a vote for Jill Stein, is in fact a vote for Jill Stein. In addition, it was also concluded that a vote for Gary Johnson is also indeed a vote for Gary Johnson, and not Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. The Pew Research Center said that many were confused to find out that the only way to vote for Donald Trump, is to vote for Donald Trump. Nonetheless, many voters are now conflicted about not who to vote for, but as to which country they should now move to. Despite this election year being a disaster, we can at least look forward to Kanye 2020.
Columnist '19
Breaking news from Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters: Secretary Clinton has survived yet another day. Doctors and supporters around the world were thrilled to announce that Hillary Rodham Clinton is still alive, and still breathing, though heavily. CNN spoke exclusively with Hillary's head doctor. Doctor Hugh Mongus was thrilled to announce Hilary is alive, still! "She's proof of the capabilities of today's modern medicine!". Doctor Mongus said. We spoke with one Clinton supporter from the Great Neck area who was thrilled to speak with us. The supporter told Online Guide-Post, "It's just a miracle that she was able to see another day given her current health situation and old age. As soon as I got the news that she was still alive this morning, I ran to wake the kids and tell them of the exciting news. We laughed, and cried. I even made them their special breakfast. It's truly amazing that Hillary is still alive".
In other news, Donald Trump has now shifted his initial view of China and Global Warming. After once stating in a 2012 tweet that "Global Warming is a hoax invented by and for the Chinese", he has now suddenly changed his rhetoric to say, "The Chinese is a hoax invented by Global Warming". When asked if this statement then means that Trump was initially wrong in his 2012 tweet Trump said, "Me? Wrong? You've gotta be kidding. Believe me, I have a brain, okay?" He also stated that his brain is "tremendous" and "huge". When asked of his plan as to how he will combat Global Warming, Trump stated that he couldn't say because he did not want to give away anything to the enemy. However, he did say that he does "know more than the generals do".
In this election year, the choice of candidates from the two parties can be mind boggling. Thus, many voters have now decided to vote for third party candidates, such as Jill Stein from the Green Party or Gary Johnson from the Libertarian Party. Although many Republicans and Democrats have said that voting for a third party candidate is practically a vote for the adversary, after research and calculations by the Pew Research Center, it has now been concluded that a vote for Jill Stein, is in fact a vote for Jill Stein. In addition, it was also concluded that a vote for Gary Johnson is also indeed a vote for Gary Johnson, and not Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. The Pew Research Center said that many were confused to find out that the only way to vote for Donald Trump, is to vote for Donald Trump. Nonetheless, many voters are now conflicted about not who to vote for, but as to which country they should now move to. Despite this election year being a disaster, we can at least look forward to Kanye 2020.